For those who are unfamiliar with the Lord of the Rings, it can be butchered summarised thus: in a 3-book/1011-page/12-hour-film journey of epic proportions, a young and intelligent lad called Frodo undertakes a fairly straightforward journey (going from Hobbiton to Bree with a few friends and a Ring of Power), which soon becomes far hairier and far longer than it should be (being chased from Bree to Mordor through forests, under ground and over mountains by Black Riders, orcs, a giant spider and a Balrog of Morgoth, getting kidnapped, tortured, having his forefinger chewed off, and all the while being crushed psychologically, spiritually and emotionally by the Burden He Is Tied To i.e. the Ring).
This is also an uncannily accurate depiction of any journey planned by the TFL journey planner (minus the Balrog, perhaps, but the Ring of Power could easily be your boss).
In fact, when Tolkien wrote of Frodo and Sam’s journey to Mordor, I’m pretty sure he was having a clairvoyant moment about London transport and their blithe and totally untrue estimate of journey times. This is the story of what TFL tells you, and what actually happens, as told by the Lord of the Rings cast.
1. You check TFL/journeyplanner
40 mins? I’ll be on time!
HOLD UP FRODO THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK. You are not aware at this point that the combination of 2 or more types of public transport symbols spells CERTAIN DOOM.
2. You set off optimistically.
3. You wait at your bus stop
4. Aaaaand you wait at your bus stop
5. You check the digital countdown.
BUT SOMEHOW, TEN MINUTES LATER
6. And so you wait a bit more.
7. You wonder whether you ought to walk
6. WAIT! THE BUS! WE ARE SAVED PRECIOUS
7. You get on the bus, and IMMEDIATELY –
– CHICKENFLESH. Ahhhh the fragrant scent of fried chicken from the people who think that 10am is prime time for a bit of Morley’s.
8. You sit as far away from the chickenflesh as possible. The bus sets off at the speed of… light…
9. and you notice there are pedestrians moving faster than you
9. And then it randomly changes destination unannounced
10. You leap off the bus and plunge into rush-hour crowds and make for the nearest tube
11. The moment you’re on the tube platform: “We are sorry to announce that there are delays currently on –”
12. The tube comes and it is packed but you don’t care, the realisation of how late you are running literally makes you feel sick and you are getting ON THIS TUBE
13. This is you on the tube
14. You get to your destination. Total travel time: 1hr, 15mins.
THANKS, TFL.
The London Creature 
Hello, Chris, My goodness, such a dreadful journey, and having hiccups, too! Yes, I have definitely had journeys like that, but fortunately there were no orcs on my bus. People gabbling into their phones, yes. And at the moment, I can appreciate that the smell of Morley’s chicken is quite nausea-making. But I’m sure your fortitude is well up to such travails and I hope you’re having some pleasant spells of idleness in a London park now and again. We took the train down to Ramsgate last weekend, and if I were as clever as you I could make a pretty hilarious scenario out of that trip. It seems everyone and his uncle had decided to head to the seaside on such a sunny day, and the train soon filled up with day-trippers armed with bicycles, prams, scooters, backpacks, picnic baskets, and of course iPads to watch the Wimbledon Men’s Finals. The range of clothing was pretty amazing too. Luckily for us, they all piled out at Margate and left us in peace for the last two stations to Ramsgate, where we had a pleasant lunch at a seaside inn with our son and his family.
Looking forward to further adventures of The London Creature!
x Cheryl